pidge_out | Victory Road IC Inbox

Punishing me? You messed up on your own!

[Really, is tonight going to get any worse? He's done nothing but crawl into her bed for some quiet comfort, only for Pidge to wake up and be insistent about things and now she's beating him up for a crime he didn't commit.

Lance is still pressing the buttons out of muscle memory, choosing to run from Pidge instead of hitting back. He's really not in the mood for this. Next time, he'll just get into Blue's bed.]

Pidge, quit it.

No, you're messing me up.

[She's not angry. There's no venom or anything in her voice, and if it sounds that way it's more an inward frustration at herself for not knowing how to help. Lance isn't just one of her boyfriends; he's one of her best friends in the universe. And she's supposed to be smart, but helping one of the only people that matter to her is suddenly so hard, and it hurts.

Mainly she sounds concerned. And even though her eyes stay glued to the characters on the screen, one still chasing after the other and slashing their weapon around, it's obvious her focus is still on Lance.]

...I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I can't even get you to play video games normally.

For starters, you can stop trying to kill me.

[Because goddammit, he's had enough of dying! First he almost gets blown to bits, close enough to die that he was willing to lie in Keith's arms, then he actually does die and only manages to make it out of the afterlife because of Space Jesus Allura. Last thing Lance needs now, right this moment, is Pidge shanking him because she's convinced video games will solve all.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what Lance gets because never taking neither the defensive or the offensive means his hit points drain quickly and the next thing he knows, there's a sad tune playing and the words YOU LOSE. PLAYER ONE WINS! is plastered on the screen. He lost. Again. Something else he lost. And that's enough for Lance to toss the controller aside and bring his trembling hands up to his face, breath unstable as he just teeters on the edge of breaking down.]

You wouldn't be dying if you'd fight back.

[But then Lance reacts like that to the Game Over screen, and Pidge is acutely aware that she has absolutely made things worse. And there's that flare of anger again, directed entirely at herself for fucking this up, and the frown on her face deepens as she chucks her controller to one side as well.

She's out of ideas. Lance won't talk to her of his own volition, Hunk isn't here to ease him into a safe place to talk. Video games can't even get Lance to relax or focus on something stupid, and she's sure that the things she does to unwind won't work on him. Which just leaves the direct route. One she doubts will work. But it feels like the only option left.]

...Lance, what's going on.

You think I didn't fight back?! You think I wanted to die?! Up there, alone in Red, never getting to see my family again?! Without seeing you or Hunk again?

[When he lashes out, it's clearly not towards Pidge, but just the wall Lance has carefully built up since leaving the battlefield and realizing just what happened back there is crashing down and he has no way of holding it up anymore. It's a hard fall and it hurts. It stings. It burns. And Lance didn't want it to come out this way, the same way Pidge threw Shiro's death in his face during an argument, yet it's out in the open and there's no taking it back. All he can do is just curl into a ball and press his face against his knees and will himself back to a more innocent time.

Never had Lance wished he was that dumb idiot who fought Keith every second of the day because he was insecure again.]

[The meaning of Lance's words settle into Pidge's gut like a cold lump of cement. Her eyes are wide as they become fixed to his face, and if the lighting in the room were better he'd be able to see the way the color drains from her face.

Died? Lance... died?]

W..what...?

[Her voice sounds so far away. The news is hard to stomach and she physically reels back a bit in shock, a hand having to come up to grip at the side of her bed to steady her.

Died..?!

It takes her several tries to find her voice, all the while staring at Lance as if she'll find answers written on him somewhere. But even when she does manage to speak she sounds small, helpless and scared and just desperate to understand.]

Wh-When did-- How-- [She's trying so hard to remember. Did she miss something? Or-- or is this a new thing that's waiting in her future?] Lance, please talk to me..

[Pidge doesn't get an answer as quickly as she'd probably like. Lance needs to find the words that don't feel thick and heavy in his mouth, but they don't come. He knows he should tell Pidge. She and Hunk need to know the story Lance has been keeping tucked deep down inside of him for over a year. The only way he can is by keeping his face pressed right where it is.]

I was protecting Allura when we were fixing that planet's armor plates. [Allura. Something--Someone--else that's left Lance with some kind of emotional tangle he can't quite unravel just yet.] I took a hit for her and...

[And he died. But he doesn't want to say those words again.]

Allura brought me back, just like she did Shiro.

[But it doesn't matter in the end when death is death and it seems like the Grim Reaper has a thing out for Lance, between this, the bomb, and the Galra invasion.]

[She's quiet, waiting patiently for Lance to tell her something. She'd half-hoped he would spring back and laugh and wave a hand with a goofy "Just kidding!" and say something about the ridiculous look on her face. Honestly she would've been angry if that were the case, but at least that would mean Lance hadn't died. But the longer it takes for him to piece his thoughts together, the more Pidge realizes that this is absolutely for real and the anxious coil in her stomach just gets tighter.

And when he explains... She feels no better for it. Pidge remembers that mission - how could she not, after what had happened with Shiro during their part of it - but she doesn't recall anyone saying anything about the dangers they'd endured... And definitely not anything about any resurrections...]

I... You never said... [It feels like the ground has dropped out from under her and the wind's been knocked from her chest.] Why would you keep that from us..?

You think I want to talk about being dead?

[Honestly, the longer he kept it inside, the more Lance hoped being out of sight and out of mind would happen. But coming close to losing his and his sister's life back on Earth brought it up all over again. And even then, as soon as all the fighting was over, they were all in the hospital and then Lance was here. There was never a chance to talk. Never the right time.]

Pidge, I lost my life. I lost my home. I lost my grandparents. I lost almost every damn thing I've ever known and you want me to talk about it? For all I know, I'll probably lose you and Hunk next and if that happens, I...

[He wouldn't know what to do. The thought alone makes his heart seize.]

[Pidge can feel her insides roiling, as if she's physically rejecting what Lance is telling her. She always knew that he and Hunk were the most homesick of the team, so it had been easy to assume that they were both terrified of something happening to their families. And clearly something had happened to Lance's family, and he'd been out in space, unable to do anything about it.

She's moved before she's even aware of it, arms wrapped around Lance's shoulders and her face buried in the crook of his neck.]

I'm so sorry. [Because what else can she say? Nothing is going to change what's already happened.] I'm so sorry, Lance... I didn't know..

But Hunk and I are here, okay? You're not gonna lose us.

[Of all people, Lance should think Pidge knows how it feels to lose family. Even if she never believed the idea that her father and brother were killed in action, the fact that they weren't home still had to hurt. Losing family is losing family no matter how you cut it, yet Lance retreated into himself, doing the one thing he knows how to do best: put up a front until he can't anymore.

He wants to believe her when she says he's not going to lose them. Lance is silently praying to whatever deity hears his thoughts that he doesn't lose one more person in his life, but he also knows that nothing is for sure. After all, Haggar is still very much alive and kicking back home. The battle is still not yet over. But Pidge's tiny arms around his not so narrow anymore shoulders has Lance breaking down again, sobbing into his knees. He's tired, so tired.]

You don't know that. We don't know that...

[After all, losing doesn't always mean dying. Losing could also mean having Hunk leave again. Or having Pidge leave here. With Lance's luck, it could be both of them.]

[The instant he starts sobbing she tugs him toward her, sliding her arms around him to cradle him close. It's purely instinct, and she doesn't even know if it'll be at all helpful, but it's the only real thing she can think to do.

Because logically speaking, he's right. They don't know how long they'll be here. They don't know how long any of this almost-normal life they're living will last. But that's not something she wants to think about at the moment. And it's definitely not what she wants Lance thinking about right now either.]

But... you've got us now, okay? [It's a novel concept for Pidge; living in the here and now. But it truly does seem like the best course of action.] And we'll stay together. We'll- We'll fight for it.

[Those are nice words, words Lance would love to take to hear, but what are they fighting against here? Who are they fighting against? None of them have any say on who comes and goes and when they do, so in the end, Lance just wonders when his luck will run out and they all get shafted again.

His sobs die down after a few moments, and Lance pants into his knees before pulling his face against them to dry his eyes.]

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

[Not to his grandparents or the rest of his family. If Lance had any huge regrets, it was that. Last time he didn't say goodbye, he didn't see them for two years. His favorite pizza place is gone. The beach where he first learned to swim is no longer. All the things that made him him seem so far out of reach and even if he has Pidge and Hunk and Shiro here, it's still not enough.

Maybe he's greedy. Or selfish. Who can blame him?]

[She just holds him, gently raking her fingers through his hair and praying to whatever deity is out there that the gesture is at the very least comforting. Because this is all she really can do at the moment. It's all she can really even think to do.

Pidge knows all too well what it feels like to lose family. It had truly felt like the world had ended and a part of her died along with it. But she'd been stubborn, she'd refused to believe it and went with the feeling in her gut that it wasn't true. She's lucky to have been right. Lance isn't. And just knowing that makes her heart ache for him, and the only other thing she can think is "How can I fix this?"

The answer makes her throat tight, sits like a cold lump in her stomach: I can't.]

I-I'm sorry, Lance. [She presses a soft kiss to his shoulder before resting her forehead there, holding onto him like she's afraid he'll bolt if she doesn't.] I'm so sorry.

[If there's a deity out there, Lance has a bone to pick with them. He's tried so hard all his life and while some things worked out in his favor, it always seemed to come tied with something bad. He finally got back home to see his family, only to find out it's incomplete.

There's nothing to fix. There's nothing anyone can fix. Lance just knows he needs to deal with it and move on, but to be honest, he doesn't know how or if he's ready to yet. Everything's still so fresh.]

I'm sorry too.

[That he's thrown this on her. That he went back home and fell in love with Allura all over again, forgetting any feelings he had for Pidge. She should know, but maybe Lance doesn't have the balls to bring that up now.]

[She shakes her head, letting out a slight exhale and giving Lance a quick squeeze.] It's okay.

[Honestly he doesn't even need to apologize to her, at least as far as she's concerned. It's not his fault he's been white-knuckling his way through a rough patch. It happens to all of them at one point or another. Really Pidge is sorry for not noticing anything sooner and trying to do something to help him earlier. Another reason she really wants to work on being better with people.]

Do... Do you need anything right now? Something that might make you feel better? [She's honestly racking her brain over it. Video games couldn't do it, so... What would this call for? A glass of water? Proper sleep? Ice cream?]

[He needs to do something other than sit here and cry. Tears never solved anything and they won't bring his grandparents back. But Pidge is here and a floor up above, Hunk is too. Lance needs to take comfort that at least for now, they're both here for him and hiding the hardest parts of his life from them isn't protecting them, but hurting himself just so much more.

He shifts around a bit, pulling away from Pidge but not going too far, just enough so he can rest his head in her lap, something he's doing for the first time to anyone but his mom.]

Talk to me. Just... talk. About anything.

[Anything except for home and war.]

[She shifts to accommodate for him, blushing only the slightest bit. Pidge looks down at him with a soft, concerned frown, just before trailing her fingers carefully through his hair. She can only hope that the action is soothing in some way, since honestly... there isn't much she can do besides that and the simple task he's requested of her.

Pidge hums for a moment in thought, looking for a safe, neutral topic to get into. Tech, maybe? Or maybe something about their lives here, in this other world?]

...Rover's been getting pretty strong. Rowdy, though. He keeps challenging all the cats to fights and wrestling with them. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's as big as them.

[It's more soothing than Pidge could ever know. The simple fact that she doesn't turn him away, that she doesn't laugh at his sensitivity, that he needs help in ways no one on the team can provide without an advance degree yet she still sticks around means so much.

He curls in closer to her, wrapping his arms around her waist as he settles in deeper with a hum. Just let him stay here a little longer and he'll be out of her way.]

Rover's a thug. He's luck Jean Clawed is too lazy to take him seriously.

[Pidge hums in agreement, letting Lance's hair curl around her fingers as she drags them gently along his scalp. At first she was looking at a random spot on the wall across the room, but now she's turned her attention down to watch him. Not that she can really see much - it's mostly his head and part of his face - but she's watching him all the same.]

Well, that probably marks his downfall. Rover will sit on his head and proclaim himself the victor.

[For all that Pidge kicks and hits him, how rough and tumble she can be, this part of her is one Lance rarely sees, but still appreciates her showing him. After the sharp edge of violence and death, Lance craves the softness, the gentle caress of her fingers against his sensitive scalp, the warmth of her lap against his cheek.

He chuckles softly, almost inaudible, a sound he never expected to hear himself make tonight.]

Okay, but let's see him try that with Kaltenecker. She'd kick his ass across the island.

[Pidge shrugs a shoulder, unfazed by the comment as she starts idly arranging the tufts of his hair into swirly patterns.]

Joke's on her. He'd just tuck his wings and start rolling for a mile.

[That chuckle undoes a knot that's formed in Pidge's chest, though, and she's just... relieved. The last thing she wants is for her attempts to help him to backfire yet again.]

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