pidge_out | Victory Road IC Inbox

Hey, it's Pidge. Can't answer right now-- Rover quit it! --so leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.
Rover, what did I say--?!?!

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From:

pidge_out

[Unfortunately for Lance, Pidge only actually went to sleep about an hour ago. Partly because she was fiddling with more tech, but mostly because she was playing video games again. Either way she hasn't quite hit deep sleep just yet, so feeling movement on her mattress is enough to start to rouse her. The warmth of a body is no longer as foreign to her as it once was, so she isn't startled by it. And it would be pretty easy to slip right back into the land of sleep.

What stops that is the sound of soft sobbing, and the shake it causes in the limbs wrapped around her. Pidge is still drowsy, not fully awake, but a haze of concern falls over her anyway and she raises a hand to drag sleepily through Lance's hair.]

..nnmm...?

From:

spacebaloney

[Shit. This is not the way he wanted things to go. All Lance wanted was something solid to curl up against and quietly let go the things he's been holding in. But the feeling of Pidge's hand in his hair has him tensing up, purely out of surprise and then he's suddenly rolling over so he can wipe his face in secret.

Can't let her see him cry. Can't give her things to ask questions about.]

It's just me. Go back to sleep.

[He's hoping she will. He really doesn't want to make things awkward.]

From:

pidge_out

[She makes a soft, tired whining noise when he rolls away, and almost instinctively she follows him. She hasn't quite noticed that he's wiping at his face or anything, too busy with finding the best way to arrange herself against his side and settling right back in. The fog of sleep has made Pidge cuddlier than she normally is - or maybe it's just the way she's been with him since he woke up from his coma - so she doesn't even hesitate.]

Mm. [She settles with a sigh, face pressed to the side of his neck and a hand clutching loosely at his sleep shirt. All is quiet for a moment, but then she murmurs, very softly against his skin:]

You sleep too.

From:

spacebaloney

[It's usually Lance that's the cuddly one, the one who lampreys his entire body onto whoever's unlucky to be sharing a bed with him. But tonight, it's different. He's different. Lance keeps his back towards Pidge, legs straight, arms coming down to cross against his chest. Everything in his body language screams he's closing himself off. A proverbial wall being thrown up not to keep anybody at a distance, but to keep himself from flooding out. ]

You first.

[Lance tries to make it a joke, to keep the words dripping in his snarky style of humor, but it doesn't come close one bit. The tremble in voice and the frog in his throat defy him.]

From:

pidge_out

[Oh. Oh, that's unusual. And that's what gets Pidge to wake up a little more.

Her brow furrows slightly, which Lance can probably feel with how closely she's pressed herself to him. And he'll absolutely feel her fingers curl a little tighter into his shirt, a quiet command. Don't leave.

But that's where she stops for a moment, uncertain. It's no secret that she's bad at this. She doesn't quite know how to proceed. Something's wrong, she can tell that much. But how is she supposed to make it better? How does she bring the old mirth back into Lance's voice?

Eventually she gives his shirt a little tug, wanting him to turn back around to face her. And if he does, she'll be looking up at him with wide, worried eyes.]

From:

spacebaloney

[He feels her command to stay more than he hears it, of course, and he complies only because if he gets up now, Pidge will see the dark circles under his eyes, the blotchy redness of them, and the fact the tears are still threatening to spill over again.

Lance hates this. He hates that she's asking him what's wrong without saying as much with that tug on his shirt. He hates that he's put Pidge in this situation, thinking hers was the best bed to crawl into because she wouldn't ask questions when she is indeed asking them. Probably not the right ones and not in the right way, but she's asking them. And Lance is afraid that if he opens his mouth to answer them, he'll never stop talking.

Maybe in a different time, he would have ran away from home again. Maybe he should take up that method of dealing with his emotion. It sure wouldn't put others in the awkward position of hearing him cry at night.]

I said go back to sleep, Pidge.

[Lance is just barely holding onto his composure, imaginary fingertips curled tightly around the edges. He's never been one to keep up the bravado when pushed just right and to be perfectly honest, after leaving here to fall in love with Allura, only to come back and realize he's got feelings for Pidge and Hunk, Lance doesn't feel he's got the right to break down in front of her.]

From:

pidge_out

[Pidge's grip tightens on his shirt, ever so slightly. It's dark and she can't quite make out some of those details in Lance's face, but she's sure that what she can see isn't just her mind playing tricks on her.]

I'm not sleepy anymore.

[Her voice is still a little hoarse from having just woken up, but her tone is as defiant as ever. Softer than usual, sure, but defiant. That's all she says for the moment, holding onto his shirt like it's the only way she can keep him from bolting out of her room.

She won't force him to talk. She wouldn't know how to coax him into it, either. What she does know is that she can't just go to sleep when it's clear that something's wrong, and that she should do something about it.

After a moment she lets out a soft sigh and starts to climb out of bed, pulling at her sheets and grabbing for Lance's hand.] Okay. Come on.

From:

spacebaloney

Why can't you just go back to sleep? Please.

[There's no bite to his words, even if it sounds like there should be. Lance just sounds defeated, not to mention tired. He's trying to plead his pathetic case, but if anybody knows how stubborn Pidge can be when she puts on that defiant voice, it's Lance.

He might as well go before she practically drags him out of the bed.]

Pidge... [Lance sighs, rubbing his hand over his face as he sits up, both to make sure it's dry and to hide any evidence of anything but a neutral expression.] I'm sorry I woke you up. Just go back to bed and I'll go back to my room. I'll make it up to you in the morning.

From:

pidge_out

[She doesn't say anything in response to that. She just tugs on his hand while she climbs out of bed, silently insisting he come with her as she takes a few steps across her room.

Then turns on one of the screens on the floor. And then turns on the little video game console sitting next to it. Wordlessly she hands him a controller before grabbing her own, and then tugs him back over to where they can sit on the floor with their backs against the edge of the bed.]

I need a second player for this part.

[And then she meets his gaze, her expression serious and determined, but there's definitely worry in her eyes, too.]

We're playing until you can't keep your eyes open.

From:

spacebaloney

[Lance knows good and well Pidge doesn't need help on this part, much less help coming from him. After all, she kicks his ass in video games on a regular basis. But he's tired of fighting, either against Galra or against his own girlfriend, so giving in is the best option at this point. Taking the controller in hand, he slides off the bed and lands in a listless lump on the floor, taking a pillow or two with him. His only hope is that the light from the television is too dim to really show how bad of a shape he's in.

Tough shit for any of Lance's hopes. You know how the camera adds ten pounds? Well, the TV adds a ton of more shadows to his face, broadcasting to the world that someone's eye cream can't keep up with all the crying and insomnia.]

From:

pidge_out

[Well, at least he's not fighting her on this. And even better, he's not trying to find excuses to leave. Pidge is counting all of this as a win for her. Because if she can't figure out how to make Lance tell her what's wrong, maybe she can at least distract him from it for a little while.

She's quiet as she loads up her latest game save, clicking through all of the menus until it starts to move into a cutscene that she usually just skips. And then she uses that moment to look back over at Lance. He looks like shit, and that's probably an understatement. She'd gotten the hunch that something was bothering him ever since he'd woken up, but she'd pushed the thought out of her mind in favor of just being grateful that he woke up at all.]

I'm trying to land a better high score here. My chances are obviously better with another player watching my back.

From:

spacebaloney

[Watching her back. There's something Lance is reading deeper than he should in her words, but how could he not after all they've been through? He still remembers that night they were all stuck in the jail cell and that burly Galra chick decided that the best way to hurt the team was to pick off Pidge first. Something just swelled up inside him right then and there, anger, a need to protect.

But how can he protect Pidge when he can't even protect his own home? His grandparents? Protect his damn self?]

Yeah, sure.

[Any other night he'd turn up the trashtalk, tell Pidge how much she's got to suck at this game if she can't score higher than what she's got now, how she needs him to hold her hand through the stage. But tonight, Lance just sits there, pressing buttons half-assedly because his heart's really not into it.]

From:

pidge_out

[Pidge can't help but frown a little at the way he responds. That's not right. He's supposed to banter back with her, puff up his chest and rib her for wanting his help. This isn't what game night is meant to look like, and it makes something in her chest ache to see him not even attempt to do a halfway decent run of the level.

She's not doing great either, too concerned about where Lance's mind is going when he's playing so quietly. So at some point, she just makes her character turn around abruptly and start slashing at Lance's character.]

From:

spacebaloney

[It's not right because he's not right. Lance can't even fake it until he makes it anymore, not about all this, and so he looks damn near zombielike with the way he's gazing at the TV with those still glassy reddened eyes. Maybe Pidge wasn't serious about them playing until he fell asleep because while he's exhausted, he knows there's no sleeping for him tonight. Too much on the brain for that to happen.

He should clown her for screwing up this level the way she is, knowing that Pidge has played this game enough times to memorize it like the back of her hand, but Lance is still quiet. Or at least he is until the other character onscreen begins swinging its sword at his pixel self.]

What are you doing?

[He's frowning, confused at these literal turn of events, but it's probably the first sign of some kind of emotion from Lance for her to witness in the last few minutes. Pidge, friendly fire is never an option!]

From:

pidge_out

[Her own frown deepens slightly, bashing the hit button repeatedly and chasing Lance's character around the screen. Friendly fire is absolutely an option, one that Pidge has absolutely no qualms taking if it means snapping Lance out of his zombie-state.]

Punishing you for messing me up.

[Never mind that friendly fire actually costs her points and shortens the time limit on the level. She honestly doesn't really give a fuck at the moment.]

From:

spacebaloney

Punishing me? You messed up on your own!

[Really, is tonight going to get any worse? He's done nothing but crawl into her bed for some quiet comfort, only for Pidge to wake up and be insistent about things and now she's beating him up for a crime he didn't commit.

Lance is still pressing the buttons out of muscle memory, choosing to run from Pidge instead of hitting back. He's really not in the mood for this. Next time, he'll just get into Blue's bed.]

Pidge, quit it.

From:

pidge_out

No, you're messing me up.

[She's not angry. There's no venom or anything in her voice, and if it sounds that way it's more an inward frustration at herself for not knowing how to help. Lance isn't just one of her boyfriends; he's one of her best friends in the universe. And she's supposed to be smart, but helping one of the only people that matter to her is suddenly so hard, and it hurts.

Mainly she sounds concerned. And even though her eyes stay glued to the characters on the screen, one still chasing after the other and slashing their weapon around, it's obvious her focus is still on Lance.]

...I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I can't even get you to play video games normally.

From:

spacebaloney

For starters, you can stop trying to kill me.

[Because goddammit, he's had enough of dying! First he almost gets blown to bits, close enough to die that he was willing to lie in Keith's arms, then he actually does die and only manages to make it out of the afterlife because of Space Jesus Allura. Last thing Lance needs now, right this moment, is Pidge shanking him because she's convinced video games will solve all.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what Lance gets because never taking neither the defensive or the offensive means his hit points drain quickly and the next thing he knows, there's a sad tune playing and the words YOU LOSE. PLAYER ONE WINS! is plastered on the screen. He lost. Again. Something else he lost. And that's enough for Lance to toss the controller aside and bring his trembling hands up to his face, breath unstable as he just teeters on the edge of breaking down.]

From:

pidge_out

You wouldn't be dying if you'd fight back.

[But then Lance reacts like that to the Game Over screen, and Pidge is acutely aware that she has absolutely made things worse. And there's that flare of anger again, directed entirely at herself for fucking this up, and the frown on her face deepens as she chucks her controller to one side as well.

She's out of ideas. Lance won't talk to her of his own volition, Hunk isn't here to ease him into a safe place to talk. Video games can't even get Lance to relax or focus on something stupid, and she's sure that the things she does to unwind won't work on him. Which just leaves the direct route. One she doubts will work. But it feels like the only option left.]

...Lance, what's going on.

From:

spacebaloney

You think I didn't fight back?! You think I wanted to die?! Up there, alone in Red, never getting to see my family again?! Without seeing you or Hunk again?

[When he lashes out, it's clearly not towards Pidge, but just the wall Lance has carefully built up since leaving the battlefield and realizing just what happened back there is crashing down and he has no way of holding it up anymore. It's a hard fall and it hurts. It stings. It burns. And Lance didn't want it to come out this way, the same way Pidge threw Shiro's death in his face during an argument, yet it's out in the open and there's no taking it back. All he can do is just curl into a ball and press his face against his knees and will himself back to a more innocent time.

Never had Lance wished he was that dumb idiot who fought Keith every second of the day because he was insecure again.]

From:

pidge_out

[The meaning of Lance's words settle into Pidge's gut like a cold lump of cement. Her eyes are wide as they become fixed to his face, and if the lighting in the room were better he'd be able to see the way the color drains from her face.

Died? Lance... died?]

W..what...?

[Her voice sounds so far away. The news is hard to stomach and she physically reels back a bit in shock, a hand having to come up to grip at the side of her bed to steady her.

Died..?!

It takes her several tries to find her voice, all the while staring at Lance as if she'll find answers written on him somewhere. But even when she does manage to speak she sounds small, helpless and scared and just desperate to understand.]

Wh-When did-- How-- [She's trying so hard to remember. Did she miss something? Or-- or is this a new thing that's waiting in her future?] Lance, please talk to me..

From:

spacebaloney

[Pidge doesn't get an answer as quickly as she'd probably like. Lance needs to find the words that don't feel thick and heavy in his mouth, but they don't come. He knows he should tell Pidge. She and Hunk need to know the story Lance has been keeping tucked deep down inside of him for over a year. The only way he can is by keeping his face pressed right where it is.]

I was protecting Allura when we were fixing that planet's armor plates. [Allura. Something--Someone--else that's left Lance with some kind of emotional tangle he can't quite unravel just yet.] I took a hit for her and...

[And he died. But he doesn't want to say those words again.]

Allura brought me back, just like she did Shiro.

[But it doesn't matter in the end when death is death and it seems like the Grim Reaper has a thing out for Lance, between this, the bomb, and the Galra invasion.]

From:

pidge_out

[She's quiet, waiting patiently for Lance to tell her something. She'd half-hoped he would spring back and laugh and wave a hand with a goofy "Just kidding!" and say something about the ridiculous look on her face. Honestly she would've been angry if that were the case, but at least that would mean Lance hadn't died. But the longer it takes for him to piece his thoughts together, the more Pidge realizes that this is absolutely for real and the anxious coil in her stomach just gets tighter.

And when he explains... She feels no better for it. Pidge remembers that mission - how could she not, after what had happened with Shiro during their part of it - but she doesn't recall anyone saying anything about the dangers they'd endured... And definitely not anything about any resurrections...]

I... You never said... [It feels like the ground has dropped out from under her and the wind's been knocked from her chest.] Why would you keep that from us..?

From:

spacebaloney

You think I want to talk about being dead?

[Honestly, the longer he kept it inside, the more Lance hoped being out of sight and out of mind would happen. But coming close to losing his and his sister's life back on Earth brought it up all over again. And even then, as soon as all the fighting was over, they were all in the hospital and then Lance was here. There was never a chance to talk. Never the right time.]

Pidge, I lost my life. I lost my home. I lost my grandparents. I lost almost every damn thing I've ever known and you want me to talk about it? For all I know, I'll probably lose you and Hunk next and if that happens, I...

[He wouldn't know what to do. The thought alone makes his heart seize.]

From:

pidge_out

[Pidge can feel her insides roiling, as if she's physically rejecting what Lance is telling her. She always knew that he and Hunk were the most homesick of the team, so it had been easy to assume that they were both terrified of something happening to their families. And clearly something had happened to Lance's family, and he'd been out in space, unable to do anything about it.

She's moved before she's even aware of it, arms wrapped around Lance's shoulders and her face buried in the crook of his neck.]

I'm so sorry. [Because what else can she say? Nothing is going to change what's already happened.] I'm so sorry, Lance... I didn't know..

But Hunk and I are here, okay? You're not gonna lose us.